To Hell With All Of This


Before this series started, we talked about shifting tides in the American League. The Seattle Mariners represented the old – the power we were expecting before the season started. The Houston Astros played the role of the new – the current, unexpected real-world powerhouse. Felix Hernandez vs. Carlos Correa, all of that… this series was sure to define something by the time it was over.

Then Felix went and threw the worst start of his career, but not before getting Correa to K. Which, you know, was the only out recorded on the day by Felix Hernandez, all-time great Mariner. The M’s best pitcher by WAR this year is now J.A. Happ. We were shocked, stunned, devastated, and yet to even board the roller coaster, which I’m pretty sure we were just ejected from mid-loop.

Yesterday’s game was wonderful – they won eight to one! Mike Montgomery sure is something, maybe. Remember what Shane Greene looked like after three starts and where he is now, of course, but hey, take whatever positives you can, right? Logan Morrison and Austin Jackson might be okay. After yesterday, we were tricked into feeling pretty alright.

And then today’s mess, with Roenis Elias taking a beating while Lance McCullers threw an excellent game. Or maybe he was terrible, and the M’s bats were just themselves. We’ll never know, unless we already do. Astros thirteen, Mariners zero, of course. To hell with this team. To hell with all of this.

I like it when the Mariners are good. I obviously also enjoy them when they’re excellent, or very good, or even just above-average. You know what, I can get into the Mariners when they’re just okay, too, and I’ve gotten myself pretty good at liking the M’s even when they’re mediocre. These M’s have some good, likable players, and probably shouldn’t be this bad. But they are, and I can’t stand it. Or them. I can not stand this team.

Like, make up your mind, you guys, are you going to just roll over and play dead or actually give this whole winning thing a shot like you do once every three or four days? It sounds like sloppy insubstantial broadcaster mumbo jumbo, and it largely is, but doesn’t it seem like this team only bears down and gives it their all a couple times a week? Maybe it’s because of their plate discipline issues. It probably is, in fact, though that’s hardly comforting.

The Mariners are bad, and they’ve looked first to Welington Castillo and now to Mark Trumbo to help turn things around. Those two (and Vidal Nuno) have combined for -0.9 WAR in 65 plate appearances. And they were traded for each other! Trumbo has been unthinkably awful so far, and tell me it doesn’t just feel like he’s going to stay this way forever. He probably will. That’s what the Mariners do to players.

To hell with all this. The Mariners have turned in a season that has been every bit as infuriating as it has been disappointing. I’m less bummed that they’re doing poorly and more mad at myself for continuing to get all puppy dog excited whenever they successfully score a guy from third on a sac fly. I’m a sucker. We’re all suckers, and our favorite team sucks. This sucks.