Seattle Mariners Shut Out By Pitcher You’ve Never Heard Of

Miles Mikolas. Who is he, you’re wondering? What does he do? Where do I know that name from? Was he that guy who we went to high school with, the one who would always run down the hallways with his shoes untied? No, isn’t he the guy we called to fix the toilet? No, no, he’s a starting pitcher in the Texas Rangers’ makeshift rotation. And he just beat the living everything out of the Seattle Mariners.

Texas, of course, was supposed to win a lot of games. They won a game tonight, which is what they were supposed to do all along. Except they haven’t been doing that, not one bit. They have the worst record in MLB, and here are names from their starting lineup tonight: Daniel Robertson, Adam Rosales, Tomas Telis, Rougned Odor. J.P. Arencebia DH’d and hit fifth. He’s batting .177, and it’s a hollow .177 at that. And their starting pitcher was Miles Mikolas.

Why? Injuries. Injuries, and then injuries to the injuries. But the Seattle Mariners have a way of taking the world’s Miles Mikolases and turning them into Clayton Kershaws. Over eight innings, the Rangers maybe-made-up starter allowed two hits and a walk while striking out five. The Mariners kinda-sorta threatened in the second, then never again after that. The Mariners, against Miles Mikolas, were helpless.

Roenis Elias was fine, aside from that he walked four batters. He did strike out six in five innings, which is always neat. But he allowed a run, so he’s the loser. He’s not a loser, since he’s good, but he’s a loser because baseball likes wins and losses for pitchers and they like them arbitrarily defined. The “win” is the stupidest “statistic” of all time.

Logan Morrison had two hits tonight. Good work, Logan! Endy Chavez struck out twice. Against Miles Mikolas. Also, holy crap, Endy Chavez is still on this team. Weird. Who knew?

James Paxton and Nick Martinez tomorrow at 7:10. Nick Martinez isn’t exactly Miles Mikolas, so it seems the Mariners may stand a fighting chance. Stay tuned.